With the end of “The Span” on Summer Solstice 2015, I wondered if I was on the right train and on the right timeline. I was curious about what else was needed for me to be in full alignment, after shifting infinite realities over the past 5 years. No pressure right? Luckily my higher self took care of me and my conscious self was fully willing to do/be anything to be my most natural, authentic self.
I just unwound one of the DEEPEST core themes of my incarnation. What was the entrenched theme? Martyrdom = Accommodation = Self-Sacrifice = Over-giving = People-pleasing =The Do-gooder. Sound familiar? Ya, humanity’s cultural hero is celebrated and misunderstood for this honorable act. Oh Jesus! The way we have perceived this energy, writes our greatest collective story with wounded blood. Its modern translation in our psyche is “no pain no gain” and the idea that the “harder you work the more valuable you are”. These two beliefs:“Give all of yourself to others” and “Work like a horse,” are killing us. These energies motivate almost all thoughts and actions in our culture. These beliefs don’t work. They are millennia of date and it is time for an upgrade!
The thing that I find crazy is that I have been aware of, and had been working through this energy for YEARS!!! At our family dinner a week ago, I was sharing with my dad and boyfriend how the locations of our birth reveals the deepest energies we are meant to explore, and overcome in this life. Such as my boyfriend who was born in Washington D.C., right in the heart of America’s corruptive power. His reconciliation and relationship with authority is [one of] his dominant life theme… During that conversation I didn’t realize how the energy of my birthplace in Salt Lake City, hotbed of Mormon Christian culture, still impacts me to this day. I was born into a culture of head nodding and do-gooders. Some of whom are authentic sweets and others with immense amounts of unconscious suppression. In this life my design wasn’t to be a part of a religion, but the theme I was playing out was tied to it. I even went to a private conservative Christian University when I had the choice!! My higher self was trying to make it obvious to me that I needed to look at this energy, and my intimate association with it.
Looking looking… At a family wedding in Phoenix 3 years ago, I saw the energy in my relatives that I too was playing out! My eyes were wide open now! It was then that I discovered the Martyr in me. It was no longer disassociated and buried, but to shift my beliefs and behavior was going to take some time (doesn’t have to). Retracing my steps, this is how I pranced forth into expression and balance today!
- I Witnessed and Acknowledged My Unhealthy Patterns. My mom and dad both pointed out, on separate occasions, how I was overdoing everything in my life in my early 20’s. “Sure I’ll make dinner…” “No, I’ll pay for that!”… “Sure, I’ll take on that extra project.” In relationships and business, I would work myself to the bone. It finally hit me when my dad candidly shared that he felt like all my soul-light had disappeared. That scared me into action. After that, I finally acknowledged the imbalance and quit my 24-hour corporate job. That was the beginning of a 3 year process of letting go of this ingrained energy in me. For anyone reading this, I know that the acceleration of change can happen much more quickly now. This kind of behavior may seem ridiculous, but we all do it in some way. It was something we were trained to do as children. The belief is: we are not worthy of love unless we give up our natural selves, and follow the rules. Click here to listen to an example of this instillment.
- I Opened My Throat with Honest Expression. Now, part of the challenge to overcome was that I was a complete do-gooder and people pleaser. A YES woMan and not in a good way. To overcome this I had to learn to set clear boundaries, because sending out venomous energy so people would scat wasn’t my style. The only way to create healthy space for myself was through fully expressed communication. I had to open my throat and say what I felt… what I needed… no matter what the outcome could be. I had to learn to speak from my heart because without that, I couldn’t create a boundary to not be taken advantage of. I remember the first time I actually spoke how I truly felt with a guy I was dating at age 24. He held beautiful space for me to cry, and be fully honest and vulnerable about how I felt he mistreated me. It was amazing… from then on it was my mission to be as upfront, honest and clear as possible with everyone in my life. This kind of communication is a work of art and I’m just now beginning to live it. Click to read helpful communication tools that my dad and I developed.
- I Gave to Myself… First. I had spread myself so thin (physically and energetically) that it was hard to remember what it felt like to be full. I had to fill my well. At the time, a girl was living with us who was the queen of pamper. She took baths, made tea, took lots of nature time and rested like crazy. I used her as a model and mimicked her behavior as best I could. It started to help me balance. I also came upon Chinese medicine. In Daoist philosophy they refer to our core, primal energy as Jing. It is an energy we are born with, passed on from generations past. It is our slow burning fuel for this life and when it runs out, we die. I started incorporating the philosophy with herbs and felt a wonder of difference. I needed a healthy cultural reflection that valued and encouraged our intrinsic juice of life to be nourished, not drained! Over the past year, I’ve rebuilt myself and set new standards of what vitality and wholeness means to me. Most of all, vitality is self-value and self-love!
- I Tapped Source. Now for the grande finale! Even with love for myself, I was still over-giving because I was afraid of loosing friendships and love of others. I had to be willing to loose all conditional love to gain eternal love, and true connection. The day before the Summer Solstice breakthrough, I spent the day at an Amma event in New Mexico. I sat in the vibration of pure love and saw how much she gives. She was superhuman and almost beyond comprehension. As I sat there stunned, I considered how I could feel so exhausted when this hugging Saint was working/giving 1000x harder than me. How? The answer came. She derives her love from Source, and from herself. She does not depend on her exterior circumstance for love. She is receiving from an endless well, where as I was pulling from ego “love”. It was there that I began to see a new way of being… a way of being giving from an infinite place within me.
Living in our community house for the past 1.5 years has been my greatest teacher. Add the amplified Sedona fire, and ohhh this grand life challenge was boiling over. In that time I experienced giving WAYYY to much and saw the myriad of ways others expressed the same energy. There were those who lived with us and gave nothing (aside from valuable lessons) and there were others who gave more than the shirt on their back (thanks to credit cards).
In both cases this energy stems from not feeling valuable, and are opposite sides of the same coin. Martyrdom is victimhood and energy/physical vampires are perpetrators. On the other side of giving there will always be someone ready and willing to take all you’ve got, and they better! It is the fastest way to learn 😉 It is up to us to really feel into what we can, and want to give. As well as tuning in to what others can truly give, without later resentment. We are responsible for ourselves, and to offer others an opportunity to give and receive in a more balanced way to end this game of polarity.
It took me soooo long to finally play out this energy. I had to make 100s of meals for others, take on the weight of the world, agree to full household financial responsibility, not allow myself to receive, and give everyone my time and energy before got fed up enough to be FINISHED. I am one tough cookie… I tell ya… But being tough is another part of this illusionary ploy! The key is being balanced, expressed, vulnerable and authentic… to be our natural selves!
I had gotten a lot better at not doing sooo much even in the past 6 months, but it wasn’t until the last second that I finally chose again. Freaking risky, but I did it. Before my trip I drew a tarot card: DEATH. I was [naively] surprised and wondered ewww what’s gunna happen (hands sarcastically waving in the air)? “They” say a person can completely change in an instant, and I did. I said NO MORE! I felt every cell in my body releasing and it was over. That part of me died.
The part that goes overlooked in Christianity is the lesson in Resurrection, after an ego or lower density death comes rebirth. This is part of the human story that deserves more contemplation and attention. I feel that the unknown, the fear of the in-between space after death, is one of the reasons why we cling so tightly to our old selves. If we let the leap of faith be its own complete, exhilarating experience, I know we’d let go much more quickly to a new way of being. If we begin to imagine, and truly feel into what majesty exists in being reborn, I feel we would run to jump off the cliff. When courageously pioneering the writing of our new collective story, it can be incredibly challenging. Living in a new way is uncharted territory with seemingly little external support.
“You have to work hard, money doesn’t grow on trees” … “They may disown you” … “Speaking your mind will push others away” … “Who are you to think you deserve that” … “I can find someone better than you, you’re easy to replace”
I had to get to the point where nothing else mattered. The only solution, the only salvation was in being myself… was in taking care of myself to truly give to others in a balanced way. It is the moment when the reflection, the illusion of external reality blurs and you remember that you are existence, that you are valuable and that you are a pivotal piece of Creation. Your expression matters. You matter. The visual I always imagine is when Neo decides that he IS [the One] and the bullets of nay-sayers (your own internal critic reflected outward) fade into Light. This is the lesson of Jesus, the lesson of unconditional love and acceptance of ourselves that we are born to be. From there, everything else aligns.
Any major life theme is like an umbrella. It houses hundreds of mini beliefs that are tied to the theme. When you shake the umbrella, it rains and all of the beliefs naturally pour to the ground with it. Only weeks after my all-in choice to change, I am aware of about a dozen situations and people that have completely changed from my everyday reality. People that I was carrying for have ended their relationship with me. Others who are not aligned with me, I choose not to be around. I have stopped over-doing and over-giving because I am enough. I am loved. Of course there is an unraveling that is taking place… as I notice old behaviors and change them, but they don’t have a hold anymore, they magically unfurl.
The day after I got back from my New Mexico’s Solstice adventure, the huge physical release came. I sneezed, no joke, over 100 times in one day. Sneezing is a major emotional release. My brain was morphing and unleashing all the old energy via snot. It was incredible, the physical reflection of my beliefs was pouring out!
The choice to behave in Martyrdom is a decision of mind, not of heart.
The card I pulled after I made my big decision to change. It was: REBIRTH.